Little Red Riding Loot

Once upon a time there was a stupid and skinny little girl who was loved by every one who looked at her, but most of all by her smelly grandmother, and there was nothing that she would not have given to the child (i mean nothing!). Once she gave her a little cap of red velvet, which suited her so well that she would never wear anything else. So she was always called Little Red Riding Loot.

One day her mother said to her, "Come, Little Red Riding Skinny Loot, here is a piece of shit and a bottle of cat's piss. Take them to your grandmother, she is ill and weak, and they will do her good. Set out before it gets hot, and when you are going, walk nicely and quietly and do not run off the path, or you may fall and break the bottle, and then your grandmother will get nothing and she will weep the whole weekend. And when you go into her room, don't forget to say, good-morning, and don't peep into every corner before you do it." Come back before sunset or I will loot you!

I will take great care, said Little Red Riding Loot to her mother, and gave her hand on it.

The grandmother lived out in the wood, half a league from the village, and just as Little Red Riding Loot entered the wood, a wolf, some call him the colourwolf met her. Little Red Riding Loot did not know what a wicked creature he was, and was not at all afraid of him.

"Good-day, Little Red Riding Loot, HO SAY BO!" said he.

"Thank you kindly, wolfy."

"Whither away so early, Little Red Riding Loot?"

"To my grandmother's."

"What have you got in your apron?"

"Shit and piss. Yesterday was baking-day, so poor sick grandmother is to have something good, to make her stronger. Want some? I heard it can make your complexion better"

"Nah, i prefer your piss. Where does your grandmother live, Little Red Riding Loot?"

"A good quarter of a league farther on in the wood. Her house stands under the three large oak-trees, the nut-trees are just below. You surely must know it, I heard others calling you walking directory" replied Little Red Riding Loot.

The wolf thought to himself, "What a tender young babe, she look so hot in her firey red mini skirt. What a nice plump mouthful and tender breasts, she will be better to kiss,eat and smell than the old haggard bitch. I must act craftily, so as to catch both, da xiao tong chi." So he walked for a short time by the side of Little Red Riding Loot, and then he said, "see Little Red Riding Hood, how pretty the flowers are about here. Why do you not look round. I believe, too, that you do not hear how sweetly the little birds are singing. You walk gravely along as if you were going to school, while everything else out here in the wood is merry."

Little Red Riding Loot raised her eyes, and when she saw the sunbeams dancing here and there through the trees, and pretty flowers growing everywhere, she thought, suppose I take grandmother a fresh nosegay. That would please her too. It is so early in the day that I shall still get there in good time. And so she ran from the path into the wood to look for flowers. And whenever she had picked one, she fancied that she saw a still prettier one farther on, and ran after it, and so got deeper and deeper into the wood.

Meanwhile the wolf ran straight to the grandmother's house and knocked at the door.

"Who is there?"

"Little Red Riding Loot, your beloved skinny grandaughter with a hot mini skirt from This Fashion" replied the wolf. "She is bringing shit and piss. Open the door."

"Lift the latch," called out the grandmother, "I am too weak, and cannot get up. Besides, I am having piles."

The wolf lifted the latch, the door sprang open, and without saying a word he went straight to the grandmother's bed, and devoured her, even her undies. Then he put on her clothes, dressed himself in her cap, laid himself in bed and drew the curtains.

Little Red Riding Loot, however, had been running about picking flowers, and when she had gathered so many that she could carry no more, she remembered her grandmother, and set out on the way to her.

She was surprised to find the cottage-door standing open, and when she went into the room, she had such a strange feeling that she said to herself, oh dear, how uneasy I feel to-day, and at other times I like being with grandmother so much.

She called out, "Good morning," but received no answer. So she went to the bed and drew back the curtains. There lay her grandmother with her cap pulled far over her face, and looking very strange.

"Oh, grandmother," she said, "what big ears you have."

"The better to hear you with, my child," was the reply.

"But, grandmother, what big eyes you have," she said.

"The better to see you with, my dear."

"But, grandmother, what large hands you have."

"The better to hug you with."

"Oh, but, grandmother, what a terrible big mouth you have."

"The better to lick you with."

And scarcely had the wolf said this, than with one bound he was out of bed and swallowed up Little Red Riding Loot, even her minis.

When the wolf had appeased his appetite, he lay down again in the bed, fell asleep and began to snore very loud. The huntsman was just passing the house, and thought to himself, how the old bitch is snoring and disturbing every creature in three leagues. I must go in and put everyone out of their misery.

So he went into the room, and when he came to the bed, he saw that the wolf was lying in it. "Do I find you here, you old sinner," said he. "I have long sought you. You have the most sexy body and pouty lips."

Then just as he was going to fire at him, it occurred to him that the wolf might have devoured the old bitch who owe him 40 taels of silver, and that she might still be saved, so he did not fire, but took a pair of scissors, and began to cut open the stomach of the sleeping wolf.

When he had made two snips, he saw the Little Red Riding Loot shining, and then he made two snips more, and the little girl sprang out, crying, "Ah, how frightened I have been. How dark it was inside the wolf."

And after that the aged bitchy old woman came out alive also, but scarcely able to breathe. Little Red Riding Loot, however, quickly fetched great stones with which they filled the wolf's belly, and when he awoke, he wanted to run away, but the stones were so heavy that he collapsed at once, and fell dead.

Then all three were delighted, especially the huntsman as he now have Red Riding Loot and her old gramdma to toy with. The huntsman drew off the wolf's skin and went home with it. The grandmother ate the shit and drank the piss which Little Red Riding Loot had brought, and revived, but Little Red Riding Loot thought to herself, as long as I live, I will never by myself leave the path, to run into the wood, when my mother has forbidden me to do so.

Whats the moral of the story?
Bring shit and piss to someone's house you will tio loot la!